Loneliness in Addiction Recovery and Beyond
I think about loneliness around this time of year because it can be hard if you don’t have family around, or if everyone seems to be caught up in feelings of good cheer, when you feel like you can barely drag one foot in front of the other. This conversation caught my eye from Simon Sinek, with Trevor Noah, on loneliness and the importance of friendship. Although not oriented around addiction they touch on it.
Disappearing into Work
In the video, they speak about work and the pressures of succeeding and cast this somewhat as the antithesis of relationships, but I don’t know that work is necessarily the enemy here. It can also be a source of purpose and satisfaction, as long as it’s not obsessive and complicated by things like greed, fame, fortune ...
We work in order to contribute to the larger society and communities that we are a part of. There’s a sense of accomplishment and cooperation that feels good and bolsters the chances that we as well as others will benefit.
We can certainly find our focus towards work has shifted in unhealthy ways. Society definitely encourages an unhealthy, punitive, unbalanced view of work and what constitutes work of “value.” And in my opinion, our excessive focus on the minutiae of work in any sort of bigger context, can start to look very much like addiction to me. And we can counter it, as with addiction (and the reverse, we can counter addiction like we do many other problems in our lives).
Friendship and social connection are certainly strong antidotes to addictive pulls whether they be to work, substances, lifestyle or other.
Loneliness Leads to Addiction
Sinek made a point about how the sense of loneliness and isolation that is commonplace in our world today, leads to things like addiction, which I appreciated. I always appreciate sensible talk about addiction without demonization.
I often talk about going a layer deeper when we look at what we’re doing and why. For instance, “I drink to calm myself down.” What are you calming yourself down from? Can you address that more directly?” So, if underneath all that is a sense of emptiness and loneliness, how can we address THAT?
Drinking or using or eating in isolation surely won’t do it. And finding solace in communities of despair provides limited resources beyond the shared sense of loneliness. It’s more a sense of huddling for comfort than of improving things for everyone, anyone -- in the trap house and sometimes in support groups.
Now, this wasn’t a talk about addiction, it was about connection, and I appreciate that it was from men’s points of view. It’s important, and men often have pain and hurt and anger and doubt that they don’t have the means to name or express.
Communities of Discontent
Sinek touches on the idea that, with a loss of the idealism that enables us to look towards more optimistic pursuits, we may “level down,” and gravitate towards angry, discontented pseudo-communities with the bond being the discontent and other commonalities or differences as individuals, irrelevant. I’m thinking of the people we gravitate towards when we are veering towards addictive lifestyles as well as the disaffected young men they are talking specifically about.
Having Friends Will Save Me
I get what they’re saying here, that cultivating good friends and learning to be open with them is world-expanding and can save you from the voids of isolation, meaninglessness, doubt, and despair.
However, I differ a little bit here that the answer is to depend on our friends. We want to cultivate inner strength in that scenario, as well. It is NICE to have friends. It is preferable and desirable and something to work at, and I believe there is nothing more important in this world, but in terms of personal health and well-being?
Nobody can save you but yourself. ~ Charles Bukowski
That sounds grim, but it’s not really. It’s a foundation of strength.
Being Depressed With Someone
Loneliness in addiction recovery is so widespread, but it's not only in addiction recovery. Many struggle emotionally without outlet.
In the clip they talked a bit about how to be a good friend … I understand that they're talking about giving people permission to be vulnerable and express how they feel. Empathy is a gift on both sides. So here, I’m not 100%. Yes, there is huge value in just having someone at your side. Someone to crawl into bed with us, as it were.
But I disagree that they have to “be depressed with us.” To me that is NOT being a good friend. I understand their point. People don’t have to cheer us up, and sometimes we just want them to BE with us and let us feel what we feel. But I don’t think we want them to share in our sad and exaggerated emotional experience for an entire day, necessarily, and I don’t know that is the best course for either.
I’m reminded of an analogy I like with regard to addiction. This isn’t mine, it’s from a friend from SMART Recovery from long ago, but it’s about being a beacon, a lighthouse to those we love. As a loved one of someone with addictive issues, we can’t go out and rescue people directly from the ocean and pull them to shore, but we can stand firm and fast, lighting the way, stable and solid amidst the choppy waters. And we can be there when they return, ready to welcome them back to shore.
As Annie LaMott put it:
Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.
I think the same here. We want to be a force of equanimity and balance, best we’re able. Yes, we want to empathize, but not to the point where we are hurting ourselves in sharing someone else’s pain. Even if you’re a lifeguard and not a lighthouse, the first thing is to keep them from drowning or pulling you down, and then you want to make your way to shore. You are not there to drown with them.
What are Friends For?
I don’t think the dynamic of need is the best basis for lasting friendship. On either side. Not to be a downer, but relationships are potentially addictive, too. It’s one of the main theses for Dr. Peele’s earliest book, Love and Addiction.
Naturally, we long for comfort and help when things aren’t going well. But we can come to over-rely on these (like anything else). And what if nobody is available for whatever reason? We can still be okay, right? We don’t want our friendships to be the only thing holding us together, in general, on a daily basis do we? Hopefully, these friendships help build into us so we’re strong enough to stand on our own, too?
It is an even greater gift to learn that we will be all right, regardless, because we can take care of ourselves. We can fight loneliness from within and by nurturing our friendships.
Finding Healthy Connection
In today’s world, there are so many things that lure us away from meaningful interactions. We rely on communication once removed -- by text. With pictures. Automated so we don’t have to think. Nuance is gone. There are wonderful benefits in streaming news, social media, gaming communities, but not as a sole substitute for in-person friendships and local connections.
If the problem is loneliness and isolation, as Surgeon General Vivek Murthy highlighted last year, then the antidote has to be connection and being around other people, fostering our interests, our talents, our curiosity and building community around that. This is true for those struggling with addiction, in addiction recovery and beyond. It is what Stanton Peele has been saying for decades.
Ultimately, addictive distractions remove us even further from the connections we’re craving so we want to watch that.
We can best fight loneliness in addiction recovery and in life by prioritizing balance. And we can learn to examine what we are actually seeking. We can learn to be with ourselves and find restoration and peace, and we can learn to better enjoy the company of others to celebrate life, not just when we want to retreat from it in fear and uncertainty.
I hugely appreciate that Sinek and Trevor Noah are reaching out to the bro-dom and saying, “Hey. It’s okay to be sad. It’s okay to be vulnerable with friends and get buoyed by them. Isolation is dangerous. We can be with others and let them express feelings.” There is tremendous strength in this. Kudos on a thoughtful conversation.
I just almost always want to remind people that they are stronger than they think. I don’t think we hear this enough.
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